The parents are coming in a few days and I’m quite excited about it. I haven’t seen them in almost a year and marriage does make you appreciate your own parents more than before. I know, it took me well over 25 years to come to that point of realisation but better late than never. So, I decided that I’ll keep working on the only Thursday that they’ll be here, although it’ll be a shortened day. I figured that it’s only a few hours and I could do with the extra money. We’ll see, I might change my mind.

I’m hoping to keep up with my routine of cycling most days if I can. Just to make sure I don’t end up feeling crappy and have no outlet. I’m really starting to enjoy the whole getting fit and healthy and I hope it’ll last a while. Played badminton last Thursday and I can’t describe how fun it was to be physically active at that level again. Been more than 10 years since I played sport of any kind – apart from running and cycling, I don’t really count that in.

On a separate note, I feel like making a list. A list of things that I want to do by the end of the year. Not so much resolutions, but more like challenges to myself to go beyond my comfort zone and be mentally and emotionally stronger and less fearful about life.

Just a few initial thoughts:
1. to actually dare to make a list. The biggest thing that holds me back is how much I hate not ticking everything off the list. If there is even a slight possibility that I won’t be able to finish it, I’d rather not have it on the list. But I guess I need to live a little right. And to not be afraid of failing.

2. to do something creative like a pet project. My trouble is that I feel bad that I’m wasting time or that I’m wasting money investing in those things. I realised how dry I’ve become in terms of ideas and thinking out of the box. Or even doing anything out of routine.

3. Be spontaneous! Do stuff that I don’t need to plan for and be fine if it doesn’t really turn out as well as I wish I’d like it to. What holds me back is that most times I think that I only have one shot at it and that if I don’t make the ‘most out of it’ then I’d regret it later. What is the ‘most out of it’ anyway.

4. Read more. So definitely a tv person. All the rubbish going in.

5. Be less awkward with new people that I meet. Ah, introverts.

6. Cook more exciting and new foods from scratch (ie, no cheat pastes and sauces) and take photos and blog about it. Not that there’s a shortage of foodblogs, but it’ll be nice to chronicle my cooking adventures. For example, to make dhal and curry from scratch!

So, there’s my attempt at moving closer to Number 1. We’ll see how it goes. Could possibly be a case of boredom. But at least I’m trying!

Merry Monday.

I’m having massive gaps in my day because of no shows at work. Feeling rather lousy cause I sorta get nothing done and I can’t really leave work. Anyways, at least there’s air conditioning here so I shouldn’t complain!

I’ve started cycling again since 2 weeks ago. Mainly for helping me sleep better at night but it’s become something that I really enjoy. I didn’t like the idea of going alone cause previously, Zak always kept me company and I don’t really dare to cycle through the city myself. But since my need for better quality sleep outweighed everything else, I got my lazy bum off the couch and started my routine again. So most weekdays that I can, I do at least 3 rounds around the Princess Park. It’s really good to get out of the house, enjoy the sunny weather, though windy on some days, and get the adrenalin pumping again. It’s nice cause I feel the difference with the routine in place and it helps me get my mind off some things.

I realised that most days when it reaches 4pm, I start to get all lazy and make excuses about not being able to go for my cycle. But in my mind, I remember how I feel everytime post-cycle, and I manage to somehow get out of the house. No regrets! I love my routine. Such a creature of habit. Water, apple, go out for cycle, come home, cook, eat, collapse

Last Sunday, instead of the conventional preaching session, Tim opened up for a time of discussion. He threw out 3, well more like 2 stronger and one sorta squeezed in at the end ideas, after which there was an open mic part of the day for people to respond with questions, thoughts and anything at all. The group wasn’t exactly small but I thought it was a good mix of people.

I was quite surprised when the first question was posed almost instantly, as if we’ve all been waiting for moments like last Sunday. For once, I felt like these people around me are truly gathering for a reason greater than having lunch together. We were genuine people who were working out our faith together. Some of the questions, we could tell, resonated with a majority of people there; while others, challenged my thinking and it was refreshing. Too bad I was too much of a chicken to throw some of my thoughts out there. I do believe that our questions reveal a lot about where we are or what we think about.

One of the questions that really stood out to me was when someone asked about what we should do when we feel discouraged and lonely being in the midst of friends who may not necessarily share our heart, our passion for this Creator. Tim’s response shook me a little. He pretty much said that whenever we feel lonely, open up the psalms and when there’s someone else feeling that same loneliness, and you share that loneliness, suddenly it isn’t all that bad anymore.

Anyway, here’s my loneliness sharing for the day. Most days I wonder why it seems rather quiet and well, lonely, and now I realise how ‘normal’ I feel. David wrote many many psalms about it and his wrestle with God. And this helps me feel comforted.

Psalm 25

1-2 My head is high, God, held high; I’m looking to you, God;
No hangdog skulking for me.

3 I’ve thrown in my lot with you;
You won’t embarrass me, will you?
Or let my enemies get the best of me?

Don’t embarrass any of us
Who went out on a limb for you.
It’s the traitors who should be humiliated.

4 Show me how you work, God;
School me in your ways.

5 Take me by the hand;
Lead me down the path of truth.
You are my Savior, aren’t you?

6 Mark the milestones of your mercy and love, God;
Rebuild the ancient landmarks!

7 Forget that I sowed wild oats;
Mark me with your sign of love.
Plan only the best for me, God!

8 God is fair and just;
He corrects the misdirected,
Sends them in the right direction.

9 He gives the rejects his hand,
And leads them step-by-step.

10 From now on every road you travel
Will take you to God.
Follow the Covenant signs;
Read the charted directions.

11 Keep up your reputation, God;
Forgive my bad life;
It’s been a very bad life.

12 My question: What are God-worshipers like?
Your answer: Arrows aimed at God’s bull’s-eye.

13 They settle down in a promising place;
Their kids inherit a prosperous farm.

14 God-friendship is for God-worshipers;
They are the ones he confides in.

15 If I keep my eyes on God,
I won’t trip over my own feet.

16 Look at me and help me!
I’m all alone and in big trouble.

17 My heart and kidneys are fighting each other;
Call a truce to this civil war.

18 Take a hard look at my life of hard labor,
Then lift this ton of sin.

19 Do you see how many people
Have it in for me?
How viciously they hate me?

20 Keep watch over me and keep me out of trouble;
Don’t let me down when I run to you.

21 Use all your skill to put me together;
I wait to see your finished product.

22 God, give your people a break
From this run of bad luck.

I think I’ve finally reached a point since the last year and 4 months where I truly truly feel at peace. With myself, with life and its circumstances, and with God. I feel at peace with knowing that there’s a lot of things that can happen but the one true thing that I can hold on to is Him. Read a friend’s journal entry and he wrote about how we have such forgetfulness about the goodness of God, and might I add, His love. And, perhaps to know love is to know what it’s like to be loved. I do feel like it’s been a year of being disappointed by some, and then learning to love again and be loved by others. But ultimately, I’ve grown to trust, in His love. Not in ways that I’m used to, but in ways and expressions that He shows.

Perhaps peace comes when you know that you’re loved and that there’s no amount of suffering that can rob you of that love. The suffering isn’t indicative of the lack of love, but it proves true despite it all. It’s a very hard concept to get my head around because we’re in such a consumerist world where everything is tailored to our preferences, and so has God been to us. We even have the audacity to ask of Him to be the God that we want, and not the God that He is.

People say life happens in seasons. I think love is in cycles. If we learn to embrace that, more of us would stay in our relationships. The same with God, my love comes in cycles, but I choose to stay and trust Him. Especially in my forgetfulness, or when I cannot love. And it is then, that I know love.

Where has my year gone?! Seriously. I know I’ve said it many time, mostly in disbelief that the month just crept up and I feel that sense that I haven’t achieved anything. It’s been heck of a year in terms of life and the living. Not an easy shift from being a student to a working adult. I must say, the most stressful period of my life so far. So, I developed a really bad case of migraine over the last 2 months. Probably all the stress and too much thinking taking over my body and telling it to chill-lax. I know I should.

November is the time of year when it all starts to get a bit reflective, then December rolls in and it completely feels damn emo. Because Xmas is just around the corner, and it’s usually quiet and slow and I feel like baking pudding. In just one year so much has changed. Friendships especially. I’ve learnt to deal with expectations, mostly my own and the realisation that people do change, or perhaps they allow themselves to show a bit more.

Last week was tough. I had FOUR straight days of migraine, which never happened before. On top of that, I had an interview, my first since I started part-time work. And Thursday was work day, which thankfully was a half day cause people cancelled. I would’ve been a road hazard if I had to stay there any longer. The pain subsided by Friday, but the dizziness lingered on till Monday. Pretty much in the state of almost fainting for the whole day. The biggest frustration was that I felt like my body was failing me. And the second, probably that no one really understands the pain that it causes,  it’s more than just a headache.

To be honest, I’m not looking forward to traveling back to Msia in Jan. Just the thought of being in the plane and lots of transits and car rides is making me shiver in fear. I hate the journey cause I get really bad motion sickness. On top of  these migraine and dizziness episodes. Bah, I’m just being a sook!

Image via Apartment Therapy

via Apartment Therapy